myxamtosis

Im drunk, listening to Sublime and looking at the stars with an Ice Cold Heinken in my hand. Life is Good Today. Im so confused, but soo at peace. Wheres the next stop? Who Fucking Knows....Here i come.

BackDrifing

So here i am once again, back in Corona at the parents house. Ive been moving from house to house my whole life. It has ended many good relationships that i wish could have lasted, lost friends, And got way too deep into drugs. A part of me really wants to just blame my real father, Arnold Chairez. Always wondering why I've never met the guy. Wondering how he was and what he's done. Wondering what weve done as a family for him to just pick up and  leave. I was only 2 so i wouldnt know. Growing up, he'd be my excuse for all my wrong doings. But Growing up i realized, He's just a human. Some jackass who wasnt ready to man up to his responsibilities. And as a Fellow JackASS, i understood. He was just your typical druggy so i got over it real quick. I met Him when i was 17 years young thinking "i can't wait to punch this dude in the fucking mouth", but when i met him it was pretty cool. I looked like a spitting image of the guy. We got waisted together, he let me drive his truck to his friends house, and got smashed there! It was a pretty good night. The Next time we met up, i introduced him to some good friends of mine. Once again, we got trashed and had a good time. He loved my friends and they loved him. The weird thing is, we had the same EXACT personality! He was just the average "Cholo" looking dude. He eventually got locked back up for parole violations and i havent seen him since..The whole time he was in "the big house" i kept thinking to myself, I cant wait till he gets out. Maybe I can start a whole new relationship with my Real Father. I was way stoked about it. When he got out, he was doing fairly well. Staying off drugs but having the occasional brew here and there. He than was diagnosed with HEP C. I remember seeing him at my aunts house who lived right down the street. He looked like shit....to be more precise, he looked like he was dying. He was passed out on the couch, covered in a blanket even though it was like 80 degrees in the house. I woke him up and he couldnt stop smiling. It made me happy, knowing that i can make a sick man laugh and smile. I was gaining hope for us. Praying to God that he gets better so we can start a whole new life together. He Died in the hospital a month later. He got the kidney transfer pretty quick. And usually a fellow inmate/drug addict doesnt even make the list for the transfer...When he got the new kidney, it failed him. He was than on the list to recieve another one, but that failed him also..He eventually gave up and told the Doctors NO MORE. I went to see him all drugged up by the doctors (ironic right?) he was passed out cold but i knew he can hear me. I told him i forgive him for leaving us and that i loved him. He managed to open his eyes for a quick second. Thats when i knew everything was going to be okay. It just really sucked that he went like that. I can never gain a relationship with my real father....my whole life ive been wondering about him. And once i get the chance to know him, hes gone. That quick. It fucking killed me inside. I went off the wagon for quit a bit after that. Moving from couch to couch. No one else to blame but myself. Every new relationship ended tragically but i didnt care at the moment. Until that is when i met someone. Someone just like me. (besides the whole dead father thing) same personality. Same music taste (which is a big turn on for me). But because of me being selfish, lazy and having a bad case of the fuckits(my dad would always say that when he hung out), it ended. And that killed me even more. Thats when i realized i need to better myself. I cant depend on this world anymore or the people of this world anymore. And at that second of realization, i changed completely.